


i’d rather freeze in your arms than be warm under covers.

by westhamutd



Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-28
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-09-29 06:01:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17197880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westhamutd/pseuds/westhamutd
Summary: nothing is ever the same after he leaves.





	i’d rather freeze in your arms than be warm under covers.

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this is my first time writing anything related to football so please let me know what you think!
> 
> title from **private fears in public places** by front porch step

_ warm hands reach out across the sheets until they find equally warm skin, pulling it closer instinctively, smiling at the groans their actions cause. the skin is hot like a ray of sunshine and it feels good to rest his head against a strong, familiar chest, to feel sturdy arms wrapped tightly around him as he sighs, placing soft kisses against any patch of skin he can find.  _

 

_ he needs the warmth, the closeness, the coziness, and he can feel the heat radiating from underneath the smooth skin he's sought the touch of. the heat and the comfort of the embrace begin to warm his heart inside his chest like its been set on fire. _

 

_ “if it's before seven, i will murder you,” the other man mutters and leo laughs, breathy and half asleep. _

 

_ “go back to sleep, kun.” _

 

\---

 

cold hands wander across the sheets, stretching and half asleep, searching tentatively until they feel nothing but icy emptiness on the other side of the bed.

 

leo's chest clenches. suddenly he's wide awake but he keeps his eyes shut, not wanting to see the empty space he knows is next to him, not wanting to let the reality hit him yet. it's only now, only in the first few seconds after waking, that he forgets that there is no one in the bed with him, that he forgets that he's gone. 

 

it's only in those moments that he can convince himself he never left.

 

\---

 

_ “will you stop fidgeting for two seconds, amor?” leo asks, fond exasperation dripping from his voice. kun turns to glare at him. _

 

_ “i can't help it, you know that. but i am paying attention, i promise.”  _

 

_ leo smiles softly and brings kun's hand up to his mouth, kissing along his knuckles. _

 

_ “it's only a stupid film kun, i'm not gonna quiz you on it later.” _

 

_ “i know, but i like to take things in properly, even if i fidget while i do.”  _

 

_ the only thing leo takes in for the rest of the film is the infinite expressions of kun's face in the pale light of the tv. _

 

\---

 

gerard is so still and quiet next to him that leo thinks he might be asleep. he doesn't look over at him though, his eyes stay locked on the television as he does his usual routine of ‘trying so hard not to think of kun that all he can do is think of kun’. 

 

he wishes kun were here right now, fidgeting next him and talking endlessly about whatever they were watching.

 

“who actually writes this shit?” gerard asks suddenly and leo snorts out a laugh.

 

“fuck knows. but they must hate their job.”

 

gerard laughs slightly and then they fall back into silence. he knows his friend is only there to keep him company, to comfort him with his presence because he knows that words will only make leo worse, but it just makes him long for kun. he wants him to be next him, tucked into his side or leaning his head on his lap, shaking his leg or tapping his hands, radiating warmth.

 

gerard sits there like a statue on the other side of the sofa, and leo doesn't take in a single second of the film on the screen.

 

\---

 

_ leo sits at the dining table, art supplies strewn all about him as he slaves away over his sketchpad. his brow is furrowed, his tongue poking out of his mouth slightly, and his hands are covered in charcoal, managing to leave a few streaks on his face in his absent minded movements.  _

 

_ something is wrong about the image in front of him and he can't quite figure out what. he squints and frowns and blends and tilts his head, but it still looks wrong somehow. _

 

_ maybe if he- _

 

_ “i love you.” _

 

_ kun says the words so suddenly that leo's head shoots up faster than a bullet leaving a gun.  _

 

_ he just blinks at kun for a few seconds, eyes wide. _

 

_ “what?” he asks quietly.  _

 

_ “i love you, leo” _

 

_ leo smiles and stands up to go and sit on the table next to kun's seat. he leans down to kiss him, slowly, eyes never losing contact with his. _

 

_ “i love you too,” he whispers, his lips millimetres away from kun's, and the other man pulls him onto his lap as he kisses him. _

 

\---

 

his hands lay still on the table, three lines on the page before him the only indication that he'd even attempted to start drawing. he's staring out of the window, seeing nothing but the flashes of memories in his mind, flashes of  _ kun _ and  _ smile _ and  _ sun _ and  _ warm _ .

 

he shakes his head to send the memories scattering around him, and looks back down at the paper, sighing.

 

he knows what he’s going to draw.

 

it doesn't take long before his hands are moving rapidly, leaving orchestrated lines of charcoal in their wake, smudging and perfecting as they go. he doesn’t move until he’s done, his back aching and his arms sore, and as he looks down at the finished portrait before him, he feels red hot anger surge out from his chest. 

 

the eyes are all wrong, his smile is too lopsided and his hair doesn’t look anywhere near soft enough.

 

he scrunches up the paper and throws it into the growing pile on the other end of the table.

 

\---

 

_ the smell of coffee is strong as he walks through the door, and it makes leo smile. coffee and its scent always seem to follow kun wherever he goes, like an aura of warmth and comfort and it makes leo’s heart speed up like he's had too much of the coffee himself. _

 

_ he never drinks coffee, but kun consumes it like oxygen, and leo loves to see him excited when there's a new coffee place somewhere that they get to try out, to watch the soft smile grow on his face as he sips slowly. _

 

_ “you know, coffee would be your superpower,” leo mutters, wrapping his arms around kun's waist from behind. his boyfriend jumps slightly before leaning back against him. _

 

_ “i didn't hear you come in. and what do you mean, coffee would be my superpower?” _

 

_ “i don't know. you'd draw your strength from it and throw burning coffee on the bad guys.”  _

 

_ kun laughs and leans his head back against leo's shoulder, and leo thinks briefly that maybe his superpower is kun. _

 

\---

 

the second time he can’t bring himself to get out of bed, he wonders if he should call his mother.

 

he’s always been prone to depression, but it hasn’t bothered him this badly in a long time, and as he lies there, staring blankly at the wall, he pretends not to know why. he pretends that the hole he feels in his chest isn’t shaped like kun, that the tension swirling in the room around him doesn't smell like his cologne and coffee. 

 

he pretends that this is just a normal episode that came on randomly, that the tears threatening to fall from his eyes have no hidden meaning behind them.

 

he longs for those familiar arms wrapped around him as if holding him together when he can't do it himself, the soft, affirming phrases whispered in his ear, the gentle caresses running up and down his back.

 

his vision blurs and he wonders how he's supposed to do this without him.

 

\--- 

 

_ he looks down at kun's hand fiddling with his as their fingers are linked together, and feels a smile work its way onto his face.  _

 

_ the sky is endless and bright above them, twinkling with a million stars and inspiring limitless wonder, but all leo wants to look at is the man lying next to him on this blanket on the grass. _

 

_ “i wish i knew how to spot constellations,” he says quietly, and leo looks up at his face. _

 

_ he's staring at the sky in wonder, concentration and awe sewn into his features, and leo's chest burns brighter and hotter than any of the stars laid out above them. _

 

_ “you're the brightest constellation i've ever seen.” _

 

_ he says it before he can stop himself, and kun looks over at him with a raised eyebrow and rolls his eyes fondly. _

 

_ leo can just about see a blush form on his cheeks underneath the soft moonlight. _

 

\---

 

4:17am. sleep is alluding him again.

 

he drives out into the country and sits on the bonnet of his car in the tepid february morning, glancing at the spot on the horizon where the sun will soon appear. his mind is still, even though he's tired, and his chest feels light, even though it still aches a little.

 

he stays there for a while, just watching the sky fade through the different shades of morning as the sun slowly reappears from its hiding place, and finds himself fighting the urge to cry.

 

he opens his mouth, closes it, opens it again, and sighs.

 

“goodbye, kun.”

 

he says it softly, but surely, and walks round to climb back into his car, taking one last longing look at the freshly burning sky before he drives away.


End file.
